Not Me Mondays

A few months back, I came across a blog that had me rolling on the floor with laughter and tears streaming down my face. The blogger had a weekly post every Monday entitled "Not Me Mondays" in which her failings as a mother and wife throughout her week were publicly confessed. I didn't have a clue if this was a well-known thing in the blogging world, but as I read through multiple posts of hers, I fell instantly in love with her uncensored humor and brutal honesty. Who wouldn't laugh at a young mother referring to her breasts as baby feeding mountains and also decides to tell her two young girls that the odd body part on their new naked baby brother is his "knobber hangy thing" made of extra elbow skin. HIL-ARI-OUS!!! I became a fan and decided I want to test out my own version of Not Me Mondays. So, here's my first whack at it regarding recent occurrences...

I did not complain when Jake talked me into buying a whole package of E.L. Fudge cookies, even though I said no because I didn't want to get stuck eating the whole package...then I really did not complain when I came home one day to find the last row of cookies eaten and angrily announce that those were mine! Nope, I'm always honest when I say I don't want treats all to myself...I know the importance of sharing.

I did not laugh when I asked one of the 4-year-old boys in our primary class to ask the girl sitting next to him for her name but he instead steals the drawing paper out of her hand and hands it to me with an accomplished look on his face...which results in the girl instantly starting a cry fest...which then results in another primary teacher coming over to console her because I was giggling and not attending to her needs. Nope, I'm a great care-taker of children and know how to react properly when a child's feelings are hurt.

I did not banish Gage from the couch during Air Bud after discovering that the stinky feet smell that had occasionally but brutally pierced my nose during the course of an hour was coming from his little poop-stink feet and not from my old, sweaty slippers. Not me. I love everything about my stepchild including his smelly paws, and after all...if they had been my smelly feet, I would have also excused myself politely from the couch to sit on the floor. I'm always thinking of others.

I do not get angry with Jake every time he lets one off by me, contaminating my clean airspace and forcing me to say things like, "Are you kidding me?!" or "Put a freakin' cork in it, farty pants!" I always treat my husband and his flatulence with respect, knowing that it's a common bodily function we all have...except myself. Never.

I did not scarf down two homemade buttermilk waffles that Jake made me and then also stuff my face with spoonfuls of mac n' cheese that he had made for Gage because I knew that fresh is the best and didn't want to miss out. Not me...I know when to stop eating when Ive already had a meal and am especially conscious about what foods don't mix.

I also do not buy "special" boxes of macaroni and cheese like the shells or Phineas & Ferbs characters for myself and then make Gage eat the regular boxes and not "mom's kind"...and then assure him that they all taste the same and that it doesn't matter.

I do not get mad at Gage when he talks in baby talk, even though on an almost daily basis I excitedly wave to the "deersies" or "moo-cows" every time I see them out in the meadow on my way home from work. Nope, double-standards are certainly frowned upon in my book.

I did not enjoy challenging Jake and Gage to a round of Mario Kart, knowing that I'm the superior gamer, and then get flustered when Gage had beaten me on several rounds that I legitimately had to compete for. Not me. I praise my kid's achievements and acknowledge how awesome it is when an 8-year-old beats tough mom.

I did not allow Gage to watch Robin Hood: Men in Tights only to discover that he laughed hysterically when boobs were mentioned...and then days later happily recapped the funny scene to a fellow friend from his primary class that was invited to play at our house for the first time. Nope, good mothers understand that PG-13 movies are strictly for mature, older children so you don't have to explain that those are naughty words which don't need to be repeated to other innocent church-going children who probably just dubbed you as the dirt-ball kid that moved in.

I did not pretend to ignore Gage when he asked me what a "breast plate" was while hearing it on How To Train Your Dragon...and then when he repeated himself after making sure he had my attention, I did not act out my best confused face and say, "Hmm...I don't know." Because, you know, it may be ok that my child knows what boobies are but to have him learn what breasts are as well is definitely crossing the line.

I definitely did not consider buying a boys size XL Tony Hawk shirt for myself while clothes shopping for Gage because I liked the teal and gray stripes on it so much and decided that no one would know if I were to wear a shirt made for boys 8+. After all, it worked when I did that years ago at Gap Kids with a hoodie...and at Disneyland for a Mickey Mouse shirt...and at the U of U bookstore for a student T-shirt. Nope, I know to only buy adult clothing that is sold in the female section.

I did not make Jake roll his eyes and make a face that says "Wow, what did I get myself into?!" when I made him come sit by me on the couch during the love songs in Lion King and Aladdin on TV so I could sit in his lap and sing mushily to him. No way...I do not get googly-eyed during Disney movies and then feel the need to take out my lovey-ness on my husband. That's just weird.

Mustache Mania

Valentine's Day has been flagged on my awesome Looney Tunes desk pad calendar for weeks now, and not just because the printing company put it on there automatically or that I'm excited to see what mushy stuff Jake gets me, but my excitement was because I'd plotted taking over Gage's Valentines for his second grade class this year!...which I did. Yes, apparently I'm that kind of mother. No more wimpy paper Valentines with Sponge Bob or Madagascar characters on them saying things like, "I'm wild about you Valentine!" Let's face it, no kid is really that excited giving a public statement of love to the smelly kid in class you can't stand who you know picks his nose. How embarrassing it would be if Picking Peter actually thought you had a crush on him afterwards! Or was that just me who feared that every year?

Anyway, on my beloved Pinterest weeks ago, I came across a terrific idea...a print out of a child's face with big chocolate candy lips wrapped in red foil stuck on their mouth making them look like they had a big kissy face. It made me chuckle and made me think how awesome it would be to do that for Gage's Valentines...only, kissy lips might be too girly and not his style, so why not a chocolate mustache instead?! Brilliant! I was on the hunt to make my project happen, and after not having any luck finding candy mustaches sold nearby, I decided to order the candy molds online and whip some up myself. And...they...turned...out...perfect! Here is the final product, planned to be given out tomorrow to 28 children who are sure to deem me as the coolest treat-maker-mom!...nevermind the fact that technically home-made treats aren't allowed. Shh. 

 

Oh, and in case you're wondering if I let Gage do any of it...yes, he did. He got to personalize each Valentine on the back of each card in his best chicken-scratch handwriting and also decided to add heart foil stickers on the front of each. He loves them and can't wait to take them to class to make the kids giggle! Meanwhile, I'll be waiting for a Certificate of Admiration from the teacher...maybe the school...and perhaps should make plans to set up my own chocolate mustache shop now. Take that Tootsie Pops!

Turning a New Page...Literally

The unthinkable has happened. During my hour-long lunch breaks, I find myself wanting to grab a quick bite of whatever food craving I have that day, and then rush back to the office so I can munch away while I...(gasp) read a good book. What's that you say? That Jenny Jones girl don't read?! Weeeeell, that's true...I've never been a reader since middle school and can probably count the "grown-up" books I've successfully read on one hand, even though as a kid, I loved to read! I couldn't get enough of the Goosebumps books, and my favorite book had to be James and the Giant Peach.

Now let's flash forward to twenty-twelve (skipping past the Twilight series I read a few years ago that were ravenously eaten up in about a week....there's 4 books down!), why my sudden change of heart for literature? Well, my bestie could partially be to blame ever since she left me lunch-dateless everyday because of her diet she's doing (what motivation I lack to follow!)...and it could also be because I haven't found anything on the Internet worth keeping my interest for my lunch hour once I've already hit up Twitter and Pinterest in 5 seconds...or it could also be that I think our bookshelf at home is barren and needs some spiffing up with some snazzy books so that when people come over they will think we're well-educated and literate. (Jake begs to differ that proudly displaying the Twilight for all to see reflects either of those.)

Anywhoo, my recent book adventures began with giving the Harry Potter series a whirl ever since watching the last movie in theaters because I loved that it tied all the previous movies together. Way to wrap it up, J.K. Rowling! I borrowed the books from said skinny bestie and made it through book two. Then, instead of moving on to book three last month, I decided to jump ships for a bit so I could read Imperfect Justice: Prosecuting Casey Anthony, which I bought myself for Christmas. Ooh, my dear friends, I could do such a lengthy blog post venting about that whole flop-of-court-case, and this book (which I probably read in 4 sittings...well, more like stomach-lyings) was just another slice of Casey-hater pie that feeds my obsession, and I loved choking it down...and want to choke her!

But, moving along...during the time I was reading that book, Jake and I went and saw The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo in theaters with some friends, and to sum it up...it was just badass! (Go figure since it was the same director who did Panic Room, Fight Club, and Se7en...all dark thrillers I enjoyed.)  After the movie, our friend mentioned he had enjoyed it because he'd read the book, so my thought was instantly, "Oh, so it's a book, eh?!"  My interest was sparked, and I dashed over to Barnes & Noble the following Monday, but alas, no hardcover copies in stock. I needed a book fix, and I needed it now! My backup choice was The Hunger Games, which I've only had a interest in because of the public hype and the upcoming movie, but I'll be honest...the plot sounds retarded. Eh. It's no Gladiator with Russell Crowe. I decided to order both The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo and The Hunger Games anyway, and when my books arrived last Friday, I was beaming with joy! 

So, to wrap up my ranting here, my plan for 2012 is to read more books. I'm currently reading The Hunger Games and even though I'm only around page 80 (because it has not drawn me in to that can't-put-it-down mode yet), I am hopeful that it will be a good book, despite that I find the author's writing style somewhat irritating and an adjustment to read. At least the book will be a nice addition to my bookcase!